there is a alsjd;flaksjd in the box above my head
2006-10-17, 8:19 p.m.

I still believe that as soon as one part of my life becomes perfect, another falls apart.

I don't know why I get so upset over what's going on between the people I once referred to as my "family" here. I should be able to distance myself from the falling out. But I think I have this kind of like, magical thinking complex where I feel responsible for the things that go wrong around me. I'm trying to let go. I'm trying to tell myself that things would have gone sour between two of my friends had I not been involved.

After tonight's drama died down (if you can call it "dying down") I tried to call around the home friend circle, because I am have grown enough to know that I'm not the only person who has felt this way and I really wanted to hear a familiar, supportive voice. It ended up that no one was available to talk, and while this isn't an accusation or a lament, it did sort of salt the wound because I was like oh cry cry little emo girl, cry your one single tear, you are so lonely in this world. But then Ilana and Lauren both called me back and I felt not so emo anymore. In any case, I'm trying to not let it bother me and trying, like I said, to be autonomous and not let other people dictate my mood and happiness, but it's slow-going. I'm working on it.

So let's try to reconstruct this entry I lost a couple days ago.

So um,

I wrote a rap.

A rap song.

And then I got up in front of my Creative Writing class and totally relinquished any scrap of dignity I may have had, and performed it.

Oh, God.

Did I mention that it was written to the "beat" (actual technical term) of "The Sign" by Ace of Base? And I rhymed "inept" and "accept"? Yeah. I'm so gangsta.

I'm just gonna kind of jump around from topic to topic here. Hope no one minds.

This weekend I decided to play flute at church after not having even glanced towards my flute for about 10 months. I decided to practice on Saturday night. I was actually surprised to find how familiar it felt to open my case and assemble my flute, my fingers settling into the open holes of the keys. I felt pleasantly comfortable and nostalgic assuming the flute player's hunchbacked assymetry with ease. I was thinking, hey, maybe playing the flute is like riding a bike--once you've learned to do it, the skill doesn't go away. I set my embouchure, raised my flute, took a big breath, and

::fu......WEEAAATTT?::

Ah, the dulcet tones of overblown feedback.

The next attempt at a note was more successful, albeit warbly and weak. I played through major scales and started to feel better about myself. So it's, you, know, partly muscle memory--I haven't forgotten the fingering for high F# or anything, but my fears were confirmed that almost a year of not playing the flute would contribute to reversing the improvement I made over senior year, when I was taking lessons and played for at least 80 minutes per weekday. I'd kind of like to get myself back to that level of playing. Not that I was so great, but if I worked hard I could have gone pretty far, I think.

So I guess I'm trying to say in my roundabout way that I want to ease back into being a Musician again, as much as I can. I know I always make these promises to myself in here--it remains to be seen whether I can keep them.

I want to get this entry out before my computer decides to randomly crash on my again. I had more to say but I think I will save it for more entries this week :)

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