there is closure inside the box above my head
2006-10-12, 12:31 a.m.

The end of something:

[[Hello! I'm so sorry it's taken me this outrageously long to respond.

I'm devastated that I must decline my place in the program. If I could have, I would have confirmed my attendance the moment I was accepted to the program. However, my family has expressed serious reservations about my desire to go to the Philippines. I assure you, I planned to accept regardless of any outside input. But after much thought, I feel that at this point in my life, it is very important that I obey my family's wishes and respect their concerns. I am sincerely sorry for the time or energy that may have been wasted on my application.

The reason I offer this elaborate explanation is that it's been so hard for me to reverse my decision. Honestly, I'm still dying to participate in the program. But my circumstances have changed drastically since I sent in my application--I hope that's understandable. My biggest fear now is that my applying and then declining will negatively affect my chances of being accepted again in the future. I just wanted to make it extremely (and painfully) clear that I have not changed my mind about volunteering and I still intend to do the program eventually.

Thank you so much for all the information provided by you and your colleagues--it was not in vain; it definitely enforced my desire to volunteer in the Philippines. I am impressed by the helpfulness and professionalism of GVN. And again, I apologize for any inconvenience I may have caused. I can't volunteer this June, but expect to see my name again in 2008!

Fondly,

Melissa Mijares]]

The end of something else:

[[hi... listen, i am so outrageously sorry for acting like such a self-righteous bitch the last time we talked. back then i was, i think, still hurting from the things that happened between us. and believe it or not, it's taken me this long to realize i was hurting, and start to heal. you're probably over all of that, but i've been holding this grudge against you, and although i was trying to protect myself, until now i never realized how misguided it was. if you're willing, i'm wondering if we can finally talk things out and reconcile.

i understand that you might not want to give me a chance, seeing as how i wouldn't give you one. if this is the case, i can only hope you'll accept my apology. but if you are interested in straightening this out, i'll be in touch.

-melissa]]

(i haven't sent it yet. do you dare me?)

The same yet changed
From the past, the autumn wind,
As I ponder vacantly
On an old grief than turns again
And again like a spool of thread
Imperial Princess Skikishi

Solitude is increasingly an unavoidable part of my life. I'm learning, very slowly, to be alone without being lonely. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard. Today it was hard. I couldn't stop staring at the pictures I have up of everyone back home, how we fragmented effortlessly at the beginning of this school year, and will re-assemble (hopefully) just as effortlessly over the breaks. I suddenly swelled with nostalgia for the way things were before we all left for college--when college was just a figure on the horizon, when our world was so small yet so big, and we were the center of it. I hadn't felt that nostalgia in months, maybe. It made me wonder, could we ever return to that again? Would we want to return to that again?

I miss the way things used to be, but I don't miss the way things used to be. I'm becoming this person I don't even recognize, and I don't like her, but I do.

It's been a strange, unpleasant day. I hope tomorrow goes better.

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