there is a quandry inside the box above my head
2006-12-13, 7:29 a.m.

HEY! GUESS WHAT!

So
I've been home almost every weekend since like,
Thanksgiving Break,
probably.
And every weekend my parents ask me,
"Is everything all right at school?"
meaning
the drama situation
and every week I say yes it's all normal
and fine
because it IS normal and fine
because the state of things has become
what I expect--normal
but now that I think about it,
it's not fine, just normal

ANYWAY.

As much as that question annoys me
because I don't want to have to
explain that sort of petty stuff
to my parents, you know?
I always sort of thought it was because
they cared about it
in an annoying, naggy way
but this morning I found out
that it's because they
think I'm wasting their money
what with having been home
"more than I've been at school"
this semester

(which, by the way is a gross exaggeration. I come home on weekends. come on. the week is longer than weekends. let's be real here.)

Now, this is a good point
and first I felt really bad
and then I felt embarrassed
to be exposed as a
money wasting
deadbeat daughter.
But then I felt bitter
and angry because the past three weekends
I've been home was because
1)they asked me to watch my sister
while they went to long island
2) I had to play at church
and
3) I had to go to a funeral for one of my best friends' mother.

So that made me feel like
they couldn't see
the forest for the trees.
And also,
"Wasting time" or, more commonly
"wasting money" is the most egregious offense
in this household.
In high school,
if my parents wanted me to quit an activity,
it wasn't because i was struggling
or unhappy
or BAD, even.
It was because i was "wasting their time and money."
In junior year when i started getting C's
my dad wouldn't drive me to school in the morning
because he told me i was just
"wasting my time" anyway.
I mean,
look who's laughing now,
right?.

I don't know, am I being to romantic
and full-house-y
about this?
I do understand that it's stupid
to leave my dorm room empty on weekends.
and I feel pretty bad about that,
and next semester
will probably change that.
But it seemed logical
especially since so many people
go home on the weekend at my school.
Oh, and my roommate goes home, too;
Katie's boyfriend pays rent to live
off campus, and he
goes home, to be with his mom,
dad, and sister
on the weekends too...
And even my friends who stay
for the weekend
often complain
that they wish they were going home.
So I considered myself
a) lucky
b) part of the status quo
and not
a time/money waster,
especially
not since
I am doing so well this semester
and probably have a solid A
in every class

During my state of bitterness,
I briefly contemplated
going back to school today
and staying until finals are over
just to show them
that I'm not as dumb as they
think I am
but
I brought all my clothes
and books
and notebooks
home.

Plus,
I'm getting to be like,
an adult,
or whatever.
Why do they
still rule my life?
Well,
it's partly because I
care what they think
and partly because they pay for
everything I do.
I guess I'm wondering,
When do parents' opinions
start becoming secondary?
When you move out?
When you get a job?
Married?
Or do I just have to finally
stop caring
and take the wheel
from them?

I guess I'm making a big deal
out if it,
but it's hard
to be called a waste
so often
in a lifetime.

I don't know
what would you do?

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